it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize