i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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