I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize