Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
