My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
