Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
