I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
