I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
