Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
