I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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