So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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