I'm sorry my penis didn't work
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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