Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
