she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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