It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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