I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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