I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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