It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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