They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
