its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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