he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
