I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
