Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I supernannyed him into submission
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
