that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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