Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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