her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
