He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Semen is not good for contacts.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize