so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
