About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
