I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
