the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize