Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
