if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
