Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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