I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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