i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
