I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
