Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
