i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
