I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My ass is underappreciated
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
