apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
