So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
