I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
