Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
