I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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