Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
