Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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