there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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