my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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