I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
