He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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