There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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