Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
