i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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