i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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