mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
