just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize