im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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